Chicago Blackhawks

League: National Hockey League
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Founded: 1926
Stanley Cups: 3
Conference Titles: 1
Division Titles: 13

The Chicago Blackhawks have it rough. While nobody pays attention to the NHL now anyway, the Blackhawks are especially irrelevant. In fact, if you’re a fan of one of the NHL’s famed Original Six other than the Detroit Red Wings, you will see your team on this site at some point.

Playing in one of the nation’s premier media markets has not helped the Blackhawks much. Chicago’s NHL team lacks the history and tradition of the Cubs, White Sox, and Bears. There also is not much hope for the Blackhawks to find the ice rink equivalent of the hardwood Godzilla that was Michael Jordan.

Perhaps this would not matter if the Blackhawks were able to win a championship or two, but the Blackhawks have not lifted the Stanley Cup in 47 years. Chicago was inept even when the league only had six teams, after expansion began their futility has reached epic proportions.

Fans of the Blackhawks do not have it nearly as rough as the American Indian chief their team is named after. To make up for the violent seizure of the Sauk tribe’s lands and the subsequent capture and humiliation of their chief, Black Hawk, the good people of Chicago decided to name a hockey team after him. It is commonly accepted that this would have single handedly made up for all the bad things that happened to Black Hawk and his people in the nineteenth century if the Blackhawks had not been so terrible as to bring more shame to his legacy.

The sensitivity of the Blackhawks knows no bounds. In 2001 they created a mascot named Tommy Hawk, who punnyily enough dresses like an Indian chief and parades around dancing for Blackhawks fans.

With a logo that makes most rational people uncomfortable, a complete lack of success, and about five other teams to watch in the same city Chicago Blackhawks fans are born, not made.

Cleveland Browns

League: National Football League
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Established: 1946
Super Bowl Titles: 0
NFL Titles: 4
Minor Titles: 28

The Browns could easily be the poster child for this entire site. The banner for “You Have to be Born a Fan” should have the Browns logo affixed to it. The only problem with this is that the Browns are so lame they do not even have a logo. It is impossible for someone to choose to be a Browns fan. If you decided to randomly choose to follow an NFL team by picking names out of a hat, the universe would make it impossible for you to come up with the sheet of paper inscribed “Cleveland.”

There was considerable controversy about labeling this post with “Title Drought.” There is a valid argument that none of the Browns titles should count since they were won in an era where football games were played on mud by men throwing a large rock.

In the 1980s, the Browns had several very good teams. Unfortunately, the entire might of the Browns franchise was not enough to defeat the juggernaut that was John Elway. With his rocket arm and wellspring of courage, John Elway singlehandedly slaughtered the dreams of Browns fans everywhere. Since then, the Browns have been terrible.

The Browns actually tried to escape Cleveland once, with owner Art Modell moving the franchise to Baltimore, a city so terrible that the Colts left the city in the dead of night after claiming that they were just going out for cigarettes. Once in Baltimore, the newly christened Ravens proceeded to quickly win a Super Bowl.

The Browns were dragged kicking and screaming back to Cleveland in the form of an expansion team. This team has stuck well to the legacy of futility that the Browns have worked so hard to foster. The Browns uniforms are as drab as their on the field performance. They have no logo, and inexplicably orange helmets. This coupled with their complete lack of success means Browns fans are born, not made.

Coventry City FC

League: Football League Championship
Location: Coventry, England
Founded: 1883
FA Cup Wins: 1
League Wins: 3

Teams who you have to be born a fan of are not isolated to North America. Today’s installment takes us across the Atlantic to England, and quite a fine example of the phenomenon in Coventry City FC. A team whose irrelevance is nearly an art form.

Coventry City currently plays in the second level of English football. But from 1967 to 2001, they were part of the top flight in both the old Football League First Division and the Premier League. In that 34 year period, Coventry City never finished higher than sixth. Coventry City has virtually redefined the definition of “also-ran.”

Coventry’s lack of success has not been limited to their league campaigns. In their 125 year history they have managed to win the FA Cup only once. It took them until 1987 to do so. Their lack of success in the Football Association’s flagship cup competition led to them being the subject of a Monty Python sketch.

Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? (cut to Che looking equally dumbfounded) No? I’ll throw it open. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? (they all look blank) No? Well, I’m not surprised you didn’t get that. It was in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup.

Coventry City took futility to a new level upon winning the FA Cup. Normally winning the cup allows a team to compete in European competitions. However in 1987, all English teams were banned from playing in Europe, meaning that Coventry City’s cup glory wasn’t so glorious.

The most famous player to suit up for Coventry City is famous for all the wrong reasons. Professional nutcase David Icke played goalkeeper for Coventry City in the early 1970s. Icke makes Darren Daulton look positively normal.

In 1999, he published The Biggest Secret, in which he wrote that the Illuminati are a race of reptilian humanoids known as the Babylonian Brotherhood, and that many prominent figures are reptilian, including George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie.

Coventry City’s lack of success, coupled with its most famous player being a person who routinely accuses Heads of State and the old dude with the beard from Blade of being lizards in people costumes has led to Convetry City fans being born, not made.

Toronto Maple Leafs

League: National Hockey League
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Founded: 1917
Stanley Cups: 13
Minor Titles: 5

The Maple Leafs are an interesting case study, proving that teams do not have to have smaller followings nor a complete lack of success to meet the criteria necessary to have a bred fanbase. What the Leafs have experienced however, is an extended drought of success and they are the subject of incredible animosity from fans of other NHL teams.

Toronto has won 13 Stanley Cups over the club’s history. However, when Toronto entered the NHL in 1917 the league had a total of four teams. Explosive expansion began in 1942, the NHL would see two more teams added over the next 25 seasons. Since the end of the Original Six era in 1967, the Maple Leafs have not won another Stanley Cup. Toronto has gone 39 years without a championship.

The Leafs are in an interesting position, sandwiched geographically between two areas that loathe the city they call home, the East and the West. Quebec, a fellow Canadian province, is home to the Montreal Canadians who have won 24 Stanley Cups and have made a past time of finishing ahead of the Maple Leafs in divisional play. All of Quebec hates Ontario and by extension, Toronto. The day a French-Canadian chooses to forsake their birthright and follow the Leafs, temperatures in hell will be lower than they are in Canada’s Northwest Territories.

The rest of Canada also hates Toronto, so much so that a documentary was released in 2007 entitled “Let’s All Hate Toronto.” Which presents a top ten list of why people hate Toronto, of course the Maple Leafs make the list. What does this hate for the Maple Leafs engender?

Mr. Toronto starts his journey in Hamilton after he sees a billboard boasting “Toronto Sucks” as an advertisement campaign. He finds out that some fans of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats put on bags over their heads because of the shame of losing to Toronto during the Labour Day CFL game every year. He decides to go around Canada on a fake “Toronto Appreciation Day” tour. Mr. Toronto visits St. John’s and Halifax, where Maritimes spit on his “Toronto Appreciation Day” banner.

This hate runs deep, not just in the Maritimes, but across Canada’s midsection, all the way to British Columbia. The Maple Leafs just cannot draw fans from other areas of their country, and let’s just face it, nobody in America cares about Canadian hockey teams, except for the ones that we steal. Perhaps Leafs fans have realized this, as our documentary filmmaker concluded:

At the end of the film he realizes that Toronto hates itself the most.

Perhaps with more success Toronto can win converts to the cause. Until then however, utter hatred and a 40 year drought means that Maple Leafs fans are born, not made.

Philadelphia Phillies

League: National League
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Founded: 1883
Minor Titles: 12
World Series Titles: 1

The Great State of Minnesota is nicknamed “The Land of 10,000 Lakes.” Philadelphia, the cradle of the republic, also has a close association with the quantity of 10,000. It is the number of losses that its baseball team has suffered in their history. The Phillies’ frustrations are historic, no other team in any major sport has lost 10,000 games.

The Phillies began life as the Philadelphia Quakers, a name so fierce that it led to an inaugural season winning percentage of .173, the lowest in MLB history, and was soon replaced. The Phillies’ bred fanbase status certainly centers on their terrible on-field performances. For a thirty year stretch in the mid 20th Century, the Phillies finished last in the NL 17 times, and next to last an additional seven. Mike Schmidt’s stellar career in a Phillies uniform was all that saved the team from total failure.

The Phillies had a fairly successful run in the early 1990s that was marred by the fact that half the lineup —led by super athlete John Kruk—sported mullets as well as the presence of Curt Schilling. This team also managed to lose in the World Series to a team from Canada bringing shame to the city that gave birth to the Constititution of these United States.

One of the heroes to the Phillies fanbase is catcher Darren Daulton. Darren Daulton is certifiably insane, leading to an indictment of Phillies fans by assocation. Here are some Darren Daulton quotes:

During the Dutch Enlightenment, No. 11 has been as significant as it was in Spinal Tap.

“Sure. A rosin bag is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down. But the Fourth and Fifth Dimensions remain unseen by most people. Their vibrations are at a lower frequency.”

“The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012 — the date the Mayans believed the world would end,” he says. “On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek.”

Certifiably whacko players and historic failures have led to the Phillies being a team whose support is handed down through the generations, institutionalized, not aquired. Phillies fans are born, not made.

New York Jets

League: National Football League
Location: New York City
Founded: 1963
Minor Titles: 4
Super Bowl Titles: 1

Nobody who values their sanity chooses to follow the New York Jets. Their lack of on-field success in their four and a half decade existence is a major factor. However, this goes mostly unnoticed since the planet would rather pay attention to the Jets’ more successful neighbors, the New York Giants. The rivalry between the two teams is at most, technical. Giants fans don’t really care.

Jets fans haven’t had many titles to celebrate, having won only two division titles since the AFL-NFL merger. Their lone championship in Super Bowl III is all they have to hold on to. This has caused Jets fans to deify a mediocre, alcoholic quarterback while mythologizing the game to the point where you expect winged horses to appear in their stories.

The poor Jets cannot seem to find a home, spending their time in three separate venues–none their own. From 1960-1963 the Jets played at the Polo Grounds, former home of the New York baseball Giants. Manhattan sports fans, despondent over the loss of National League baseball in 1957 found no solace in the Jets’ play at Polo Grounds. In fact, in 1962, the Jets barely averted bankruptcy. In 1964, the Jets would move to Queens’ Shea Stadium, home of the New York Mets. They would spend the next 20 years at Shea before the Giants deigned to allow the Jets to lease space at their new home in New Jersey. The Jets now play in a stadium named for another team. A recent attempt to built the Jets their own stadium in Manhattan was met with fierce derision by residents, rumors that infrastructure problems concerned residents is highly contested amongst people who have seen the Jets play.

Jets fans acclimated quite well to their place as tenants at Giants Stadium, even developing their own unique half time ritual, as documented by the New York Times.

Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts. When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men.

This type of behavior doesn’t happen when Giants fans occupy the stadium, leading to the solid conclusion that Jets fans have developed their own distinct culture, albeit a fairly crude one.

Jets fans currently spend their free time villifying quarterback Chad Pennington and wishing death upon fans of the rival New England Patriots. Nobody chooses to join them. Jets fans are born, not made.