Chicago Blackhawks

League: National Hockey League
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Founded: 1926
Stanley Cups: 3
Conference Titles: 1
Division Titles: 13

The Chicago Blackhawks have it rough. While nobody pays attention to the NHL now anyway, the Blackhawks are especially irrelevant. In fact, if you’re a fan of one of the NHL’s famed Original Six other than the Detroit Red Wings, you will see your team on this site at some point.

Playing in one of the nation’s premier media markets has not helped the Blackhawks much. Chicago’s NHL team lacks the history and tradition of the Cubs, White Sox, and Bears. There also is not much hope for the Blackhawks to find the ice rink equivalent of the hardwood Godzilla that was Michael Jordan.

Perhaps this would not matter if the Blackhawks were able to win a championship or two, but the Blackhawks have not lifted the Stanley Cup in 47 years. Chicago was inept even when the league only had six teams, after expansion began their futility has reached epic proportions.

Fans of the Blackhawks do not have it nearly as rough as the American Indian chief their team is named after. To make up for the violent seizure of the Sauk tribe’s lands and the subsequent capture and humiliation of their chief, Black Hawk, the good people of Chicago decided to name a hockey team after him. It is commonly accepted that this would have single handedly made up for all the bad things that happened to Black Hawk and his people in the nineteenth century if the Blackhawks had not been so terrible as to bring more shame to his legacy.

The sensitivity of the Blackhawks knows no bounds. In 2001 they created a mascot named Tommy Hawk, who punnyily enough dresses like an Indian chief and parades around dancing for Blackhawks fans.

With a logo that makes most rational people uncomfortable, a complete lack of success, and about five other teams to watch in the same city Chicago Blackhawks fans are born, not made.