Cleveland Browns

League: National Football League
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Established: 1946
Super Bowl Titles: 0
NFL Titles: 4
Minor Titles: 28

The Browns could easily be the poster child for this entire site. The banner for “You Have to be Born a Fan” should have the Browns logo affixed to it. The only problem with this is that the Browns are so lame they do not even have a logo. It is impossible for someone to choose to be a Browns fan. If you decided to randomly choose to follow an NFL team by picking names out of a hat, the universe would make it impossible for you to come up with the sheet of paper inscribed “Cleveland.”

There was considerable controversy about labeling this post with “Title Drought.” There is a valid argument that none of the Browns titles should count since they were won in an era where football games were played on mud by men throwing a large rock.

In the 1980s, the Browns had several very good teams. Unfortunately, the entire might of the Browns franchise was not enough to defeat the juggernaut that was John Elway. With his rocket arm and wellspring of courage, John Elway singlehandedly slaughtered the dreams of Browns fans everywhere. Since then, the Browns have been terrible.

The Browns actually tried to escape Cleveland once, with owner Art Modell moving the franchise to Baltimore, a city so terrible that the Colts left the city in the dead of night after claiming that they were just going out for cigarettes. Once in Baltimore, the newly christened Ravens proceeded to quickly win a Super Bowl.

The Browns were dragged kicking and screaming back to Cleveland in the form of an expansion team. This team has stuck well to the legacy of futility that the Browns have worked so hard to foster. The Browns uniforms are as drab as their on the field performance. They have no logo, and inexplicably orange helmets. This coupled with their complete lack of success means Browns fans are born, not made.

New York Jets

League: National Football League
Location: New York City
Founded: 1963
Minor Titles: 4
Super Bowl Titles: 1

Nobody who values their sanity chooses to follow the New York Jets. Their lack of on-field success in their four and a half decade existence is a major factor. However, this goes mostly unnoticed since the planet would rather pay attention to the Jets’ more successful neighbors, the New York Giants. The rivalry between the two teams is at most, technical. Giants fans don’t really care.

Jets fans haven’t had many titles to celebrate, having won only two division titles since the AFL-NFL merger. Their lone championship in Super Bowl III is all they have to hold on to. This has caused Jets fans to deify a mediocre, alcoholic quarterback while mythologizing the game to the point where you expect winged horses to appear in their stories.

The poor Jets cannot seem to find a home, spending their time in three separate venues–none their own. From 1960-1963 the Jets played at the Polo Grounds, former home of the New York baseball Giants. Manhattan sports fans, despondent over the loss of National League baseball in 1957 found no solace in the Jets’ play at Polo Grounds. In fact, in 1962, the Jets barely averted bankruptcy. In 1964, the Jets would move to Queens’ Shea Stadium, home of the New York Mets. They would spend the next 20 years at Shea before the Giants deigned to allow the Jets to lease space at their new home in New Jersey. The Jets now play in a stadium named for another team. A recent attempt to built the Jets their own stadium in Manhattan was met with fierce derision by residents, rumors that infrastructure problems concerned residents is highly contested amongst people who have seen the Jets play.

Jets fans acclimated quite well to their place as tenants at Giants Stadium, even developing their own unique half time ritual, as documented by the New York Times.

Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts. When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men.

This type of behavior doesn’t happen when Giants fans occupy the stadium, leading to the solid conclusion that Jets fans have developed their own distinct culture, albeit a fairly crude one.

Jets fans currently spend their free time villifying quarterback Chad Pennington and wishing death upon fans of the rival New England Patriots. Nobody chooses to join them. Jets fans are born, not made.